CALIBRATION

Permit me an indelicate story and a related observation.

Nowadays it is the rare public restroom facility that is not equipped with automatic sinks, toilets, soap and paper towel dispensers. These are controlled by electronic sensors – the urinal ‘knows’ you are standing in front of it doing your business, and when you are no longer standing in front of it having concluded your business it will, most of the time, flush or release of stream of fresh water into the urinal to rinse out of offending material.

In order for this type of equipment to work properly the sensors have to be rightly calibrated – that is to say, the sink has to know when you are standing before it with your hands outstretched and it has to know when you are done. The soap dispenser has to know when you are in need of a hand cleanser. The toilet has to sense when you rise from the throne to exit the stall having successfully completed your task.

At the tender age of fourteen I saw my first bidet at a luxury hotel in Europe. I didn’t know what it was, and at that age I was not about to be so uncool as to ask someone what the extra bowl in the bathroom was. I thought perhaps it was a foot washer, or that there was a special type of biological function I was not yet familiar with. I used it to wash my feet.

A few days ago at a truck stop in Texas I had the misfortune of an encounter with an appurtenance that was not well calibrated. While atop the throne, this toilet evidently thought I was leaving the stall every 10-12 seconds. Although I was far from done, it sent a ferocious spray of water onto my backside every time I made the slightest motion. Completion of one’s toilet without motion is not possible, I don’t t think, but I nevertheless tried - unsuccessfully. I was soaked, hoping to high heaven no one was beyond the stall door. I could not think of an explanation that did not sound ridiculous.

I had used my first Texas bidet.

I thought about trying to explain the problem to someone in management, but the logistics of this escaped me and I couldn’t think of a way to relate the story that didn’t make me sound like an idiot.

Sound calibration is essential and not just in public facilities. If the instrumentation with which we live our lives and conduct our relationships and make our decisions is not properly adjusted, we are likely to have some big problems. Uncalibrated ears may turn an affirmation into an insult. Uncalibrated eyes may mistake a friend for an enemy or vice versa. Uncalibrated hearts will invariably fail to measure the huge stores of grace available to us daily. Uncalibrated minds fail to practice wisdom, overlooking horseshit by glibly asserting that ‘everyone has a right to their own opinion.’ Uncalibrated souls will fail to notice the sublime dance of the Holy Spirit God stages for us daily.

Fortunately we are given a means of calibration which might keep us from getting soaked and might also enable us to move about in our world with sharper senses and a keener awareness.

In the Christian tradition, we call it prayer.